donelivinginthepast

Time to get REALLY personal.

Later this week I will be officially diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).  PCOS is a genetic, chronic condition where my body produces estrogen, but not progestrone.  This causes many other things such as insulin and glucose to get out of balance.  This also causes acne, irregular hair growth, depression and infertility.  My chances for developing Type 2 diabetes and heart defects quadruple.  This is a condition that 1 out of 15 women have, and many don’t know they have it. (Follow this:  PCOS Info)

This condition also increases the chances for a endometrial cancer, miscarriage, and death of a child in a multiple-birth pregnancy.

Needless to say I’m a little freaked out by this. Even though it does connect a bunch of dots.  I’ve had irregular periods my whole life, which would’ve been caused by this.  The random bouts of depression, probably caused by this.  The working my butt off and never losing that much weight, probably caused by this.  Three years trying to conceive Sean, probably caused by this.  My 2 miscarriages, probably caused by this.

But then I also worry about what this causes.  I worry about being able to have anymore kids.  I worry about not being able to fight off diabetes and heat disease.  I worry about passing it onto any daughter I might have.

I go to the doctor later this week to put together a plan.

I’m not really used to the fact that there’s something “wrong” with me.

I’ve decided not to really freak out until I know what all of the blood tests say.

That’s all for now I guess.

Well, cats and kittens, it’s that time of year.  I’ve never done a resolution before, I always thought they were silly and dumb.  But if I want to change my life around, maybe this is one way to do it.  I want to actually have a few resolutions.  Well, I don’t think I want to call them that.  I want a list of goals I want to achieve this year.  Then maybe next year, I can look back and see what I’ve done.

First, the most cliche, I want to lose weight.  Last June I signed up for a gym membership.  Since then, I’ve gone 20 times.  Pathetic, I know.  When I first signed up, I got a fitness evaluation, and I learned that I am only 60 lbs overweight.  I know, I know, ONLY?  But when I thought I was 170 lbs overweight, 60 seems much more reasonable. So yeah, I want to lose weight, and I want to live a healthier life.  But I don’t want to kill myself over it, I don’t want to torture myself about it, and I don’t want to restrict everything I eat and do.  I want to still be able to enjoy my life.  I just want to live it better.  So first part of this, is, well, find my keys.  (I lost them after we got back from Disney.  I apparently hid them in a rush of paranoia before we left and haven’t seen them since.  And my key fab for the gym is on my keychain.)  I will then schedule and make routine the Couch to 5K plan.  It’s slow, but with enough of a challenge to keep it interesting.  After that, who knows?  Also, we will be eating at the house more often than not.  I’m tired of eating food that other people cook, and I LOVE food at home.

Second, I want to be more productive.  Towards the end of the year this year, I really started not putting in the amount of effort that I should.  I have all of the tools, I just need to utilize them.  My ultimate goal is to get a promotion by years end.  Well see.  🙂

Next, I want to clean out the office (see last goal), and clean out the family room, so we can set it up for Sean to have a playroom.

Lastly, I want to have another baby.  I want to be at least pregnant by the end of the year.

There are some minor things I would also like to accomplish.  I need to find a place to keep track of all of them.  Hmmm, time to go surf Google Chromes apps.

So here’s to 2013.  Let this be a year of growth and strengthening!

Ok, I can’t keep quiet about this anymore.  I’ve been really busy (Christmas and all), and I haven’t had really anything to talk about.  Now I do.

Two days ago, there was a terrible, horrible tragedy in a small town in Connecticut.  Twenty beautiful children, and six amazing adults lost their lives on a terrible morning.  Since then, instead of being decent human beings, people everywhere believe that their opinion counts more than anything else.  People feel compelled to start debates about gun control, mental illness, and whatever else is the hot button issue.  Using these children’s lives to discuss their opinions.

Right now our President is on live from the school.  Right now, instead of comforting these people in the wake of this horrific event, he’s talking about legislation.  Friday afternoon brought fights on the major networks on how many dead bodies there were.  Parading traumatized 3rd graders through interviews, in attempts to “get the story.”  3rd graders.  8 year-olds.  Interviewing them minutes after they escaped.  We can have our opinions about why this happened.  We can, as a general populous, discuss our feelings about this.  But using these children to further your agenda?  Really people?

But I’ve just learned to accecpt this from people these days.  People are so glued to their phones, Facebook, Twitter, whatever, that the rest of the world doesn’t matter.  We’ve become such a messed up society.  Heaven forbid we have actual relationships, actual conversations.  We never have to get lost, or be bored in line, or remember anything important ourselves.  Our devices take care of this for us.  We don’t have to be in our lives at all anymore.

I’ve already exhausted myself with this rant.  If anyone reads this, they’re probably lost already.  My greatest hope for the future, is my son.  He will live his life, every moment of it.  I hope he can inspire others to do so as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I’m slacking again, I know.  I’ve been legitimately busy tho.  If you’ve ever taken a 2 yr old on a camping trip, in a tent, you will understand.  If not, don’t judge.  🙂

I was also without my camera for a week, so that didn’t help anything.

So here’s me trying to catch up.

Day 17. Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates Share a photo of what you did for your baby/ies/child/rens special day. Did you hide away in bed? Did you have a cake? Did you have a party? What did you do?

I would like to do something special for their birthdays.  But as of yet, we haven’t done anything.  Mostly I try to forget them.  What kind of sucks is my husband’s cousin’s little boy is the same age Connor would’ve been.  I lost Connor a week before she found out she was pregnant.  Seeing this little boy growing up has been very bitter sweet.  I can watch his development and see him grow, but he’s not mine.

Day 18. Your Family Portrait Take a photo of you with your family, work out a way to incorporate your baby/ies/child/ren who are no longer physically with you anymore. You could hold up photos of them or even just hold their names with you. What does your family look like now? Is it just you left here? Do you have a large family? Is it just you and your partner?

This is a picture of my son Sean and I at Shakamak State Park from this past weekend’s camping adventure.  I’m wearing my necklace for my lost little ones, so they were there, too.  It’s just tough to get all of us in a picture when there are only 2 grow-ups.  🙂  So here’s the other one:

my boys  🙂

Day 19. Project Have you worked on any projects inspired by your loss? They could be anything from an art project to organizing memory boxes for a hospital. If you have not yet done a project you could share something that you would like to work on.

A project I would like to do for all of my kiddos is make a memory book for all of them.  Filled with special memories just about them.  The biggest issue with this is, well, me.  I’m flighty and forgetful.  But I’d like to create this for them.  I’ve started doing something like that for Sean, where he has a photo book for every year.  (2 so far, thanks Shutterfly!)

Day 20. Charity/Organization Share your favourite charity or organization that has touched your heart on this road of grief. If you don’t have a photograph to share, just simply post the link to their website!

https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

These people are amazing.  They provide photographs for people who have lost their children.  I can’t imagine how difficult, yet rewarding this job is.

Day 21. Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space Share a photo of your special place in your home/garden for your baby/ies/child/ren.

Don’t have one.  I keep any sacred space with me wherever I go.

Day 22. Place of Care/Birth The place that looked after your you whilst you were pregnant. Share a photo of those who took care of you and your baby. This could be a midwife/doula/friend/partner.

Oliver Family Healthcare

Day 23. Their Name/Their Photo If you feel comfortable, share a photo of your baby/ies/child/ren who you are remembering this month. If you do not have photos, you could use an ultrasound image or something that represents them.

I have drawings I made of their names, on my computer at home.  Will post later.

Day 24. Siblings This could be done two ways – your could photograph your own siblings and post about how grief has affect them or you can post about your other living children. I know that not everyone has living children but I felt it was important to include the children who are left here to grieve their brothers and sisters. Capture a sibling, niece or nephew’s grief. Maybe you could share a drawing they have done or even just a photo of them holding something that represents their brother or sister that they are missing. Give them a voice here.

Going to go down a bit of another road with this one.  This is my son with 3 out of 6 cousins.  The 3 in the picture have taken the brunt of the pain of loss.  They were all (almost) old enough to get what was going on when they lost their brothers.

But to prove that miracles do happen, the first time Chloe (on the right), held Sean (to her left), one single tear rolled down her cheek.  She said she missed her brothers.  I think that’s why she’s clung on to Sean so much.  Why they all have.  They’ve adopted him as their honorary little brother. 🙂

Day 25. Baby Shower/Blessing Share a photo from your baby shower or blessing. Maybe you could show everyone the gifts you received that you were not able to use.

Didn’t have one.

Day 26. Their Age How old was your baby/ies/child/ren when they died. Write it down on a piece of paper. If they died whilst you were pregnant you can write their gestation.

Connor:  41 Days

Melody:  44 Days

Day 27. Artwork Share some artwork that reminds you of your baby/ies/child/ren or something that was created for them by you or someone else.

See above.  (When I post them.)

Sorry if that seems lazy, but that’s all I have for these.

Ok, so what can I say, I’ve been really bad.  I haven’t been back for, well, a while.  I’m going to try and catch up all of the days in this one post.  A lot of these I don’t really have something to share, so hopefully this won’t be too long.  Wish me luck!

Day 10. Symbol Do you have a symbol for your baby/ies/child/ren? It could be a butterfly, dragonfly, a humming-bird, dolphin, seashell, share what it is and why it is so symbolic to you.

I guess I don’t really have a symbol.  I’d never really thought about having one before this project.  If I had to pick one, I guess I’d pick a heart with wings.  It’s my favorite charm on my necklace, the one that people always ask about.  Whenever I see a heart with wings, I think about my babies.

Day 11. Supportive Friends/Family Who has been there for you?

Well, this one is a long list.  I’m really thankful for that.

My husband – He’s been on the front line with me through all of this.  He holds me every time I look at him all weepy and whine that I miss them.  He does whatever he can to make me smile, heal, and see the good in everything.

My sister-in-law – She gets it.  And she still thinks about me, even in the middle of her heartache.

My mother-in-law – She’s always there with whatever it is that I need.  Food, hugs, encouraging words.

My mom – My mom is living proof that you can get past this kind of heartbreak.  She lost a baby just before my little brother was born.  I was 6 and the only think I remember from the whole experience is her sitting on her bed crying while my grandma hugged her.  She never let my older brother and I know anything was going on, she did what she could to spare us from the pain.

God – Ok, kinda cliche and cheesy.  But its true.  The overwhelming feeling that everything would be okay was provided by Him.  🙂

Day 12. Scents Do you have a scent that you relate to your baby/ies/child/ren? Is it a candle scent, perfume, food or maybe a flower? Share it with us!

Ok, this one is a little weird.  Especially compared to what everyone else is putting.  Oh well, that’s just me!  The scent that reminds me of really all of my kids, is my husband.  He has a very particular smell to him.  When we were dating I would steal his clothes, because they smelled like him.  Now that we have kids, he smells like a dad to me.  See, weird.  🙂

Day 13. Signs If you believe in signs from your child/ren, share with us an experience you have had.

I have actually had this one, multiple times.  I get to visit Connor and Melody in my dreams sometimes.  God lets me play with them and watch them grow.  I get to hold them and see them smile.  I get to see how happy and peaceful they are.  It reassures me that I will get to see them when it is my time to be called home.

Day 14. Community Our community is so amazing, but with that being said, none of us want to be a member. Share a photo of a community gathering or event that you have attended.

I wish I had a photo that I took by going to one of these things.  I’ve never been.  I always feel out of place there.  Everyone else, it seems, lost a child when they were much farther along and I have this paranoia that they will glare at me and think I’m mocking their pain.  I’m also very private.  I don’t like people knowing about my business, so I don’t like to go to things like that.  I did, however, have a bag named for Connor and Melody at an event called An Evening With Ella and Friends that they hold here in downtown Indy every year.  Maybe I’ll try and go next year….

Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light!

Here is the candle I lit for my little ones.

I was so proud of myself for getting my candle lit by 7.  I think what made that hour awesome was the sitting on the couch with my Sean, teaching him the awesomeness of Oreos dipped in milk.  He giggled and smooched me, and reminded me what life is all about.

Alright ladies and gents, this makes me OFFICIALLY caught up!

Day 16. Release Balloons, lanterns, butterflies, doves.

For me, I will release something I’ve been holding for far too long.  My breath.  I’ve been so scared to get pregnant again, and I’ve been so scared for Sean.  But now, I’m just going to breathe.  I’m going to actually let go of this tension, let go of this anxiety, let go of this obsession.  I have this one life to live and I’m not going to spend it holding my breath, waiting for the next terrible thing to happen.

I guess that’s all for now boys and girls.  Lets see how many I have to catch up on when I come back  😉

I think I’m actually caught up!  🙂

Day 9. Special Place This could be a place that you visit that brings you peace. Maybe it is a place that you went to when you were pregnant or where your child’s place of rest is.

I had to think about this one for a while.  Most of the places I think about when I think about my angels are really depressing.  The doctor’s office, Target, Cracker Barrel, our apartment.  All places laced with terrible memories.

I ended up looking at my pictures, trying to think this one out.  Then I came across one, and it struck me.

Here is my special place:

My special place is anywhere my little man is.  This picture was taken at his favorite park on one of the last nice days of the year.  There aren’t any physical places that are that special.  Where ever my Sean is, that is where my heart feels its best.  He can break through all of my most horrible thoughts with one look.  He can calm my soul by just being near me.  Having him as my special place is awesome, because I can bring him wherever I go.

This picture was taken during one of many times when he just stares off into space and smiles.  I don’t know what he sees but I hope its his big brother and sister smiling down on him.

Well, yesterday was day 8.  I’m almost caught up!

Day 8:  Jewelry – Do you have a piece of jewelry in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren? Share it!

Last year, my husband bought me this:

From a site called Remembering Our Babies, which is the official site of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

They have a ton of beautiful keepsakes, for what seems like every situation.  We also have blue and pink rubber bands that we wear on Oct 15th.  It’s really tough to do so, because people ask questions.  But in a way, I think it really does help.

I love this necklace because of how I interpret it.  Each of the charms falls snugly into the large heart when it’s around my neck.  On the back of the remember charm is an engraving of feet.  Both sets of feet of my little angels sit snugly within my heart.  The heart with the wings represents the piece of my heart that went with them to heaven.

When I first got this, it hurt to wear it.  It was a constant, seemingly heavy reminder of the pain.  Now I love taking it with me, so a small piece of my babies can be with me, too.  🙂

I had a long week, and an even longer weekend.  (My best friend got married!)  So if you’re paying attention, this is the 3rd post I’ve written, so far, today.  There will also be another one later.  🙂

This is for Day 4:  Most treasured item

Let me start by saying I am a book NERD.  I love books, when I worked at Barnes and Noble, in 3 years I read over 300 books.  I know, I’m a dork.  Because of this love of books, I always wanted my kids to have as many books as I could give them. Therefore, it only seemed appropriate that as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I got my baby a book.

Connor:  Good Night Gorilla; Peggy Rathmann

Melody:  I Love You as Much; Laura Krauss Melmed

Sean:  The Poky Little Puppy; Janette Sebring Lowrey

Sean now has possession of all of these books.  I wasn’t sure if I would let him have them or not.  Then my husband, brilliant as ever, brought up a good point.  If we let Sean read and love these books, then we can have a part of all of our little ones together.  I loved that idea, so I said yes.

Good Night Gorilla was my Sean’s first favorite book.  He had it memorized before he was 1.  His favorite bedtime book after that was I Love You as Much.

🙂

(Pics to follow)